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Confessions of a Wannabe World Changer

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It’s confession time.

First, that post I promised you last week, the second piece of the origin story? It’s coming next week.

But most important, one of the key tenets of Rebel Yogi is this: you, fellow change maker, are just as important as the work that you are doing.

That means it’s important to take time to take care of yourself – getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet at consistent times, getting out and moving your body, taking space for yourself – among other things.

At the time I wrote this post:

  • I had gone to yoga twice in the previous two weeks; two classes in two days, and then nothing for 10 days.
  • I spent an entire day hunched in front of my computer, stressing about getting things done, all knotted up inside, to the point that my stomach hurt from the tension.
  • I sat down one morning to finish up a few details for getting a blog post out, and forgot to eat until it was almost 4 pm.

Some might say that I’m doing a terrible job at doing my own work, practicing what I preach – however you say it, I’ve been negligent to myself. I’ve fallen right back into old patterns without even realizing it.

But, one of the reasons that I’m bringing this to light and sharing with you today, is that this is a journey. I’m giving myself a pass, acknowledging that I’ve stumbled, and knowing that the reminder is good for me. One stumble does not a total failure make. The times that we trip over ourselves just happen – we’re human. The key is forgiveness, and the commitment to pick yourself back up and set yourself back on the right track.

Stumble, fall, get back up. Repeat. The rockiest paths often bring us to the most stunning views.

And, the yoga class that I did after ten days of nothing? It felt so good.

I’m leaving for the Ashram in just under a week and a half, and I have spent way too much time freaking out about how much I have to do before I leave. I’m living in the future, worrying about something that has yet to happen, sending my body all these messages that give it permission to knot up and get out of balance.

Another confession: the phrase “OMG I’m leaving in two and a half weeks” left my lips a solid 25 times during one particular day last week, much to the chagrin of everyone listening.

I think the key is admitting that we’ve stumbled, taking a moment to learn whatever we can from the moment: what set of circumstances set us up for the stumble, how can we avoid the same situation next time, how we can more delicately tread a similar path moving forward, or even just how to recover a with a little bit more grace.

For me, this means acknowledging that launching a new venture is going to be more stressful than my past few months have been, and will involve more time spent actively working.

I’m learning how to be me, and how to move forward, learning new healthy patterns and ways of doing things. It’s not going to be easy, but with a new outlook on how I balance along the path, it’s shaping up to be a much more stunning journey.

For the time I have between now and flying east, I’m making myself a promise – I’m going to move easily through the planning and preparation, scheduling out time for yoga (aiming for 4 classes per week), making sure that I get enough sleep, taking time to eat, and prioritizing snuggles with my puppy.

Because, really – there’s nothing more important than us, no moment more important than now. Our work and our future all branch out from this moment, so we might as well enjoy it while it’s here.

The Rebel Yogi Origin Story – Part 1

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“In the event of an emergency, secure your own mask before assisting others.”

If you’ve ever been on board an airplane, you’ve heard the spiel before. It’s standard to the safety speech, but have you ever really taken the time to think about what they’re talking about, or realized how right they are? If the plane is crashing and the cabin depressurizes, you can’t do a single thing to help your fellow passengers if you’re suffocating from lack of oxygen.

Maybe the example is a bit dramatic, but it paints a very vivid picture. So why do we think that the same thing doesn’t apply in real life? Why, when it comes to our lives, do we think we can ignore the safety speech?

For most of my life, I’ve been an overachiever, an entrepreneurial spirit, and I thought that I could burn the candle at both ends without consequences. Anything that I put my mind to, I accomplished; I held the mantra “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” close to heart. Burning brightly, I threw 110% of myself into my passions, and I fought fiercely for the things that I believed in.

I ignored the safety speech for way too long, and it could have cost me everything.

In fact, I ignored it until the day I got the call from the doctor’s office. That sentence that you don’t really want to hear from anyone, much less your doctor – “we need to see you tomorrow” – when the doctor skips lunch so that they can fit in your appointment. That moment where routine yearly blood work turns up a chronic genetic condition that changes everything.

(A quick side note to my insurance company, if you’re sneaking around reading my blog posts – this doesn’t mean you should jack up my insurance premium. In fact, you should lower it. The diagnosis just means that I’m going to be a lot healthier moving forward than I would have been before I had my full health picture. K, thanks. Now, back to regularly scheduled programming.)

There were a couple of paths that my brain went down after this phone call, full speed with no brakes. The worst-case scenarios, you know the ones… they took over for a while. Then, the second thing that happened is that my priorities became crystal clear. Family, and the fact that my parents were an entire continent away.

My business coach has been using free writing as a tool for me to gain clarity around my purpose, and I’m going to share some of the thoughts that came out of the writing session that took place the week after said doctor’s appointment:

The thought pattern of how to find a peaceful balance – how do I move forward from here? How do I create a meaningful, powerful and revolutionary life in a balanced, peaceful way? How do I save myself as I try to (and still want to) save the world?

I find that I am back to the discomfort surrounding “I don’t know” because now I truly do not know how I am moving forward. I know that the prime directive is self-care and taking care of my family. Beyond that, the great unknown lingers.

In some ways, I experienced a great wave of relief – here was a bright, flashing sign to slow down, to reevaluate. This wasn’t me giving up or chickening out – this was my body, my doctor, saying “stop”.  No more high stress situations, more yoga and meditation. More healthy eating and lots of work on system balancing.

In all my talk of broken systems, it comes down that my body is the broken system that I need to work with first. Do your own work – in the most head-smackingly personal and direct way possible.

Even with the knowledge of what my diagnosis could mean, I have felt strangely calm since last week. Maybe I’m still in shock, or maybe I have a deep realization that freaking out about what is going on will do absolutely nothing positive, and has the potential to cause some real harm.

Whatever the reason, I am thankful for my ability to transcend the mess and put one foot in front of the other. For now, that means following my doctor’s orders, and starting to evaluate what goes and what can stay.

I feel like I already shed so much in coming here to Portland, but perhaps the things that I shed were just skin-deep – maybe now it is time to dig down to the roots and find my spiritual, structural detoxification.

From these roots, Rebel Yogi began to really take shape. For most of my world changing life, I had come at the problems facing our world from the stance of an activist: fighting. I tried to frame it as what we were “fighting for” as opposed to what we were “fighting against” to keep things positive, but it was still fighting.

One of the literal definitions of the word fight means “to oppose action”, another means “to move forward with difficulty”. We’re not exactly setting ourselves up for success if we think about it that way.

So why do we spend so much time mired in the fight, throwing ourselves valiantly into the flames? Faced with the knowledge that I could not continue to approach life in such a way, I was forced to stop and look for a different way of doing things. I had no other choice.

I don’t have all the answers, and that’s what Rebel Yogi is about – walking this path together, figuring it out as we go. I’m sure we’ll stumble and make some mistakes along the way, but if we’re going about things with the right motivation – caring for ourselves and finding that place of balance before reaching out into the world – securing our own masks before assisting others – I know that we can change the world for the better.

—

For more of the story, here’s part 2 and part 3!

If you’re here from the Boost Blog Traffic SBO Best Posts of 2014 list, thanks so much for reading! Be sure to sign up for the email list so you can get your free yoga nidra session!

Michael Margolis wrote a post about origin stories that provided the inspiration for this week’s post. 

How to Save the World Without Burning Out

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A grand adventure starts in just under four weeks.

Three weeks and four days, to be exact. Not that I’m counting.

On Sunday, April 13th I will start my basic yoga teacher training at Satchidananda Ashram-Yogaville in Buckingham, VA. This training will be one of the first major steps along the path to bringing Rebel Yogi to life. This has been a project a lifetime in the making, and I wanted to give you, my earliest readers, an idea of what’s to come.

For the next few weeks, I will be writing here, sharing the origin story of Rebel Yogi – a peek behind the curtain, to where and how it all began. This story is only in the opening chapters, and the journey will be curated, laid open for all to see, to share and to join in the expedition.

During my time at the Ashram, I will do my best to share a weekly update here on the blog and any small daily musings on social media; that being said, the schedule is incredibly full, and time will tell how much “free time” I will actually have to sit and write! Don’t worry – anything that I don’t post up during that month will see the light as I’m able.

My daily schedule from April 13 until May 11:

AM
6:00 Meditation
7:00 Hatha Yoga
8:30 Breakfast
9:30-11:30 Morning Program (in classroom)
PM
12-12:30 Meditation at LOTUS shrine
12:45 Lunch
1:30-2:00 Free time
2:00-3:00 Study
3:00-6:00 Afternoon Program (in classroom)
6:00-6:30 Meditation or restorative yoga
6:30 Dinner
7:30-9:00 Evening Program (in classroom)
10:00 Lights out – Silence until after morning Hatha Yoga class

The eventual goal for the Rebel Yogi community is to reach out into the world, empowering thousands of world changers to improve their lives through yoga, while also creating a sustainable life balance as they make their lasting mark on the world – basically, learning how we can save the world without burning out in the process.

I’ve watched too many friends and colleagues burn fast and bright, only to flame out young, drained and unable to continue their amazing, world changing work – something has to give!

One step, one foot in front of the other – I’m glad that you’re along for the journey. Let’s get to work, fellow change maker!

Goodbye (and Living Forever in Memory)

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bruce_640Late last night, I said goodbye to my best friend.

Today, the words still hurt, and I imagine that they will for a while. It’s always hard to lose someone or something special in your life, and the deeper the love between you, the deeper the pain.

Eight years ago, an amazing being came into my life. I was volunteering at a local no-kill shelter when Bruce and three of his siblings were brought in – found in a ditch, scooped up into safety by a passing stranger, and straight into my life.

I gave him his first bath; he squealed like a banshee. Little did I know how much this tiny waif of a dog would impact my life.

Bruce was more than just a dog. I grew up with dog-siblings through my entire childhood, five of them to be exact, but no dog ever captured my heart like Bruce. He grew from a seven pound ball of fuzz to an 85 pound protector and confidant. He was always there for me, by my side through every change, every move, every heartbreak and every joy. His love never wavered, and those dark brown eyes always looked at me as if to say, “it’s okay momma. We’ll make it through.”

He taught me so much – unconditional love, staying true to oneself no matter the outside influences (he was stubborn, that one), how to live in the moment and experience pure joy. He was by my side for eight years, and he will live on in my heart forever. (He even made it into several of my NaNo novels.)

A doctor that Bruce saw from the time he was little once gave him the title the “poster child for maintenance” – even with severe hip dysplasia and degenerative arthritis from the time he was young, he was always brave and stoic, and held himself together. In recent years, vets who didn’t know him or his story would look at his chart and shake their heads, disbelieving that a dog could be so happy and function so well with his laundry list of ailments.

I always knew that I wouldn’t have him around forever, but I think that a little part of us is always hopeful that we’ll somehow slip through the cracks of time and nature. And, honestly, I feel like I cheated getting to have him by my side for eight years. My goal was to keep him happy and healthy for as long as possible, and the day that he was no longer “Bruce” was the day that it was time to say goodbye. I never expected to have him past the age of five, so every day since has been a gift.

His passing was sudden. Over the weekend, my happy go lucky (yet always grouchy) old man was his normal self. However, starting early Monday morning, I spent the night on the couch, fitfully keeping an eye on him as he paced the house and started to feel bad. Yesterday morning, I took him to the emergency vet – and somehow I knew that even though the doctors there seemed hopeful that he would be discharged today, that was not to be.

We got the call at 9:30 last night – he was deteriorating quickly, and we could choose to try to fight, or we could let him go peacefully.

I won’t say that the decision was easy, but as soon as the vet finished laying out the options, I felt at peace. My Bruce was no longer “Bruce”, and he let me know that it was time to let him go. We drove back to the animal hospital for the third time that day, my partner and Bruce’s sister-from-another-mother Maia. We laid on the floor with him, said our thank yous and our goodbyes, and the vet helped him to fade quietly away. He was surrounded by those who love him most, two of his favorite toys, and the love and light of the universe.

Today, my heart hurts. I spent the afternoon looking through (literally thousands of) old photographs of Bruce, remembering the amazing animal, the friend, my fuzzy other half. He had a good life, and as I felt his spirit leave his body, I knew he would be headed back to Highland, to the farm where he could race through the fields pain free, nose twitching in the breeze, chasing deer and frolicking with the other family dogs whose lives passed on that plot of green earth. His body will be cremated, and the next time I travel back to Highland, his ashes will come with me – he (and his favorite squeaky blue toy elephant) has a special plot in the family dog graveyard, where daffodils and tulips commemorate his brethren gone before. I haven’t decided on flowers for his grave, but I’m thinking black iris.

IMG_0033-150x150So, Bruce. I’ll tell you one more time the same thing I told you last night:

Thank you for the years you dedicated to me, the adventures you were part of, the unconditional love and the fuzzy therapy. You were the best of dogs, and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

I love you more than anything in the universe.

Goodbye.

Dedicated to Bruce Glendinning, born late summer 2005 – passed away August 26th 2013.

Before You Quit Writing, Read This

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before-you-quit_640A little under a year ago, a friend of mine started a writing group. His intention was for this to be a different kind of writing group, one where writers could come together and support each other, to kick the “starving artist” routine once and for all.

I signed on from the very beginning, not because I needed a place where I could find support as a writer (because I already had that with my amazing group of friends at Writer House in Charlottesville, who I even saw *gasp* in person), but because I wanted to make a commitment to myself. I wanted to take my writing more seriously, and this was another step in the right direction.

The truth is, that even though I’ve been writing since I was in grade school, and even though I have five successful NaNoWriMos under my belt (and a collective quarter of a million words from that alone), I have always looked at writing as a hobby.

Now, through the beauty of online community and the vision of a guy who wanted to redefine the writing community, I think that I can now officially don the title of “writer”. There was no magic spell to make this happen, just a push in the right direction, and my name in the byline as contributing author of a book project.

Without further ado, I present “Before You Quit Writing, Read This” – a collaborative book project headed up by none other than Mr Dave Ursillo, and full to the brim with wisdom from the Literati – the aforementioned writers group. The book (available in Kindle format) is dedicated to any writer out there who has found themselves on the verge of calling it quits, and speaks to three distinct phases in the writer’s journey – the Emerging writer, the Committing writer, and the Flourishing writer.

It’s hard to pick any one section, any one essay, to highlight from this compilation; each of the contributing authors writes from a place that is authentically their own, and lays bare their own experiences so that others might learn from them, or find courage to stay the course. My own section is inspired by a blog post that I wrote last year called Kicking Fear in the Face – a post that resonated with my readers, and still holds the light of truth for me today.

So, dear readers – if you find yourself at a place of doubt or fear, unsure of the path ahead, wanting to put your pen away for good, do me a favor. Pick up this book and let the words wash over you, so that you might recognize that you are not on this path alone. Pass it along to someone you know needs it. Or, buy it just because you’re awesome. (All proceeds will be utilized to fund the next Literati project.)

And, if you find yourself in need of a community, or just inspired to join us – let me know, and I can get you in touch with Dave when the next set of spots opens up in the Literati.

Now: Go. Pick up the book. And let me know what you think – but whatever you do, before you quit writing… read this.

2012 (A Year in Review)

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2012-review_6402012 was the year that it was all supposed to end (again). December 21 wasn’t that long ago, and it turns out the Mayan calendar didn’t foretell the end of the world. Maybe it was just a big shift in cosmic energy at play, or maybe it was just another year, another spin around the sun.

Whatever 2012 was for any of us, it has now drawn to a close, the back cover closing on chapters already written, our quests coming to an end and 2013 laid out in front of us, a new blank journal upon which to sketch out the coming days and months.

Rather than a chronological remembering of the past year, I offer instead a categorical retelling of the year past and a small glimpse into the year ahead.

Environment

We Are Power Shift – I was selected for the inaugural National Leadership team at the end of 2011. As a team, we started planning at the beginning of the year, and were able to come together in person for a long weekend in Washington, DC this past February. Since then, we’ve been busy getting things going behind the scenes, tweaking and changing as we went along. This month, we’ll be announcing a new and improved organizational structure for the team.

350.org – This year saw my biggest involvement with the national group to date, but will most likely not be my biggest year ever. The week after I got back to Charlottesville from the Power Shift planning weekend, I got a call from 350, asking if I could get on a plane the next day to go to Minneapolis for their National Leadership Summit. After spending this second long weekend with amazing activists, I was ready to take on the world!

The next month, I was invited to an event at the White House with 350’s policy director. In May, I pulled together a day of action for Climate Impacts Day with the help of the folks with the local Transition movement. One of the most exciting developments happened toward the end of the year, when we were finally able to get the interest and involvement necessary to start a regional chapter of 350. It’s called 350 Central Virginia and we are having our first public meeting at the end of January!

EarthWeek – 2012 was the year I took the helm of Earth Week as Chair of the Board of Directors, and my first Eco Fair as the person in charge (described by the former Director as “s/he who gets the most email). We saw a change in venue and a very successful day, despite 55 degree drizzly weather. This year, we’re expanding even more and already working on the 2013 Eco Fair.

Vegetarian Festival – What happens when the group who was planning an event for the past 15 years decides that it’s time to move on to other things? In most places, the festival would have died, but this year saw a group of private citizens pick up the reins and run with it. I was contacted to be a part of the planning group who put together this year’s festival, and even though we only had about 2 months of planning time, we managed to pull off an amazing event.

Personal

When the time came to start thinking about how I was getting across the country for the second World Domination Summit, I realized that this could be the perfect opportunity to check an item off the ‘ole bucket list (which I don’t actually have, but apparently you can check things off a non-existent list). I got to work and planned out my across the country by train route – the trip ended up being quite the adventure, with several last minute changes to itinerary and route; it ended up looking something like this:

Amtrak from Charlottesville to the middle of nowhere, WV * derecho * 2 different charter buses to Chicago * Amtrak from Chicago to Portla… whoops!… Seattle (due to a coal train derailment) * overnight in Seattle * Amtrak to Portland * a week in Portland, and another awesome WDS (link) * Amtrak to San Francisco * three days exploring San Fran * a far less eventful flight back to the east coast than the first year (aka I got back the same day I left, and with my luggage in tow)

Despite the adventures (or perhaps because of them), I’ve been officially bitten by the travel bug. I’m headed back out to Portland in a week, and am working on the logistics for a trip to Oslo, Norway in April. I’m looking forward to whatever adventures the world has in store.

2012 also granted me recognition of the importance of stillness and introspection. As a birthday present to myself, I spent four wonderful days in complete silence at Satchidananda Ashram in October. Better known as Yogaville around this area, one of the key teachings at the ashram is that “truth is one, paths are many.” Spending such an extended period of time in silence (no communication, no electronics, internal silence) was an intense experience, but the feeling of joy that comes from stillness and being purely in a moment is something that I have tried to bring with me into my everyday life. I have been more diligent about my yoga practice this year than ever before – I have been practicing since 2008, but have shifted my priorities to ensure that I take time on the mat at least twice a week (more if possible).

Charlottesville had a special visitor the week I returned from my retreat – the Dalai Lama spent a day in the city, giving two separate talks on health, peace and compassion. I picked up tickets for the “cheap seats” in the Paramount for the live broadcast, which turned out to (probably) be much more pleasant than being crammed into the Pavilion with thousands of other people, unable to see or hear him!

Design and Writing

This year, the safety net was removed. From the first day that I started my business, I always had a part time safety net under me. This past January, I transitioned out of that part time job after finishing up a contract with the company. I’ve been learning the true meaning of the feast and famine cycle of freelancing, and being out on my own has resulted in some hard-learned lessons. The good news is that it’s the end of the year and I’m still standing. This year will see some additional evaluation of my business and where I am headed, but I have survived my second year of being in business – I call that a success!

I did some serious investing in my business this year, taking a couple of classes and continuing to build my network. I’m learning more every day, and continue to apply lessons learned to my business practices. Another in my list of firsts (and learning experiences) was taking on the responsibility of founding a cooperative business. I’ve been working as part of the marketing team, focused on communications and social media.

One of the greatest experiences of the year was participating in the second Charlottesville Startup Weekend. It’s a crazy weekend where entrepreneurs, developers, designers and business folk come together to start a company… in a single weekend. Friday night saw the lineup of pitches (I hadn’t planned on pitching, but got up anyway, and actually ended up with votes for my idea!) and by Saturday morning, teams had formed and we were off. I joined a rogue team (who ended up getting voted “most likely to get acquired…”) that is still working on our mobile application. The bestie app is currently in beta, and we’re looking at a late winter launch of a Kickstarter campaign!

I have been a member of Writer House here in Charlottesville for a couple of years, but this year I also joined an online group of writers called The Literati [affiliate link]. Started by my friend Dave, this group has really shaped my vision of who I am as a writer, and has been the inspiration for a lot of soul searching and dedication to finding and fine tuning my authentic voice.

And, finally, what year would be complete without NaNoWriMo? This was my sixth year as a participant, and my fifth win, crossing the 50,000 word mark with a few hours to spare. I started the month with a vague idea of what my novel was about (spaceships, a dying Earth) and flung thousands of words at the page every day. I also spent quite a bit of time at Writer House write-ins with some of my favorite people, word warring and cursing at our screens. All in all, another successful and entertaining month.

Lessons Learned

One of the greatest lessons I learned this year is the necessity for authenticity in all things. If I am to help others find their authentic voice in the online sphere, to help them mold and express their brand, then I must also be true to who I am and “know thyself”.

I had several instances this past year where friends or colleagues recommended my work to someone else, but in their advertising sold me as something I’m not. Needless to say, when those potential clients or partners looked at my work with what we’ll call “incompatible expectations”, things didn’t turn out well. After it happened again, it hit me – if I cannot pinpoint precisely who I am and what I offer to the world, then how can I expect others to understand and champion my work?

This year, my early focus will be on refining the inner, authentic workings of who I am and what I have to offer this world, so that I can accurately brand myself and my business.

Time Marches On

So, 2013. Here we stand, on the precipice of great things. I know not what the future holds, but I hold within myself the keys to shaping my path. With clarity of mind and presence of being, I take my first steps into the new year, tracing my story onto the waiting blank pages.